007. Crossroads

14 augustus 2021

Hello.

It's saturday. I'm briefly back at my parents place, I've got a stagdo today. Not important.

I want to tell you that I want to pick up life again. I think I took a subconious gap year, if this year can be defined in any way, where I mostly stressed out about my current situation, taking walks, waiting for a divine purpose to land before my feet. I hope you can relate to this feeling. It's absolutely horrible though.

I'm taking the reigns again. I notice I do have a want - It's wanting to want something.

I notice now that I'm not really pursuing music as a sole end it itself anymore, or at least, I wasn't doing that the past year, anyway, I noticed that I became way more interested in material things. Shoes, cars, etc. Perhaps I tried to seek some motivation there. I think it might work to help me propell forward, but christ - why do I lay so much emphasis on all this seemingly pie in the sky-esque bullshit about needing a divine purpose?

I feel that work is very closely related to my identity - or maybe it used to be. Or, I want it to be. Life is so confusing.

Usually though, I find it's quite a simple obstacle that causes all this mental mayhem. Hm - I'm realizing this as I write this.

I've had enough. I do not want another year of this. I think I got the message, but I still haven't really found an answer yet. Maybe the answer is just starting. Getting out of the car.

I noticed the other day that I can better voice my opinion on good and bad lyric writing in songs. Some people write their lyrics like how I form sentences here - this is very stale to me. Just very plain colloquialisms. I don't like that. I'm starting - maybe - to grow a disdain for, well - maybe I've always had this - but for the folk, easy, low-life. My friend remarked the other day, while sitting in a pub, that this old familiarity is not what you want, but it's what you need. I think that might be true. I value the connection a lot, the easy going nature, the shared lexicon of shit to talk about. Just community I suppose. The weak and dumb hurdle together maybe. Perhaps the smart do too.

I think I've reached my limit to what I can achieve myself. Maybe that always has been precious little, and it's just now coming to light.

I'm tired of this self-centered whining, but part of me believes that everyone has to go through this somehow. I'm not sure exactly what the key to this would be, or where I would find it. I tried to find it in Amsterdam, but I'm not sure it's there. I think it might have been in the conversations I've had. I don't think I can think my way into discipline.

Dicipline and passion seem like philosophers stones to me. They seem unreachable. Maybe I deify these concepts too much.

I woke up with this feeling that I need to do something big. I feel like I have been close to death, mostly mental death. My inner world has been rotten and full of mold as it were. Gladly, it's been able to live up a bit in Amsterdam again.

Now.

See, here's my situation. I'm not necessarily sure I want to play the usual societal games. Yet, I'm tired of suffering. I'm tired of being dependent on other people. So - dear reader - stay with me here. I'll try to sketch out my options as I see them. This is relatively new to me. I think most times in the past I let emotion get the better of me, causing me to not see and think clearly. Here goes.

1. I can jump ship on all my previous choises. This would entail starting again, finding a more secure job and studying for that. This would mean another bachelor, and then perhaps another master. If I'd do that, I'd be done by 27 with my bachelor, and by 29 with my masters. From my perspective, this would place me low in whatever ladder - simply because of the late start. But, perhaps, I've heard people calling 35-year olds still young - so maybe I'm exagerating.

Concretely, what would this entail; I think I might do something with statistics. I'm currently thinking where job security meet my interests and strengths. Technology sector would be another, but I'm really not a programmer. I don't enjoy the math-logic that comes with programming I think. I'm more of a linguistic type person I think - gee, well not a person, I mean I enjoy that more, that comes easier. Semantics.

You may notice that I try really hard to not pigeon-hole myself. My belief is this is a good thing, but this might be a wrong way to go about it.

Alright, statistics. Jesus. That sounds so boring. Alright, fuck the initial pushback, move on.

Here's what I've found.

Ok, first up - I'm shopping in the business section. Business analytics seems ok. Programming, hm. I mean - I think I could do this - I'd just die a thousand deaths each day. Fuck man.

Wait, ok - interesting roleplay in between; Let's say, I'm currently a father forcing my son to do a study, what would I force him to do? First search: best business schools worldwide. Harvard, INSEAD and London Business School pop up. Harvard's expensive as fuck - so let's check London business school.

Alright, it seems they only offer masters programmes. Christ man, what am I doing...

2. Next up. INSEAD. Yeah, only masters and up too. I check for undergraduate shit.

What was- ah yea, that Talking Heads lyric: 'same as it ever was.' It's always been this right? I just was caught in imaginary futures. Perhaps I wasn't present at all. We've established that by now I hope. No need to mull it over.

Fuck. Ok, I'll check what my schoolmate Daan has been doing. I always looked up to him. I'm checking linked-in, hold up. Yeah, god, I love Daan. Masters International Business Administration, joint with bachelor of philosophy. Now master of arts in Leiden. FUCK WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE PLEASE SEND HELP.

MAYDAY MAYDAY I'VE BEEN GOING DOWN FOR A STRAIGHT YEAR, PERHAPS EVEN THREE YEARS, I'VE BEEN IN DEEP WATER, CLOUDED STORMS, I'VE BEEN SUFFOCATING FOR MOST OF MY FUCKING LIFE.

huuugh. The humanity.

Why can't I be like Daan? Blegh.

What was the grand idea? Becoming a professional fuck-up? Whoops - I was going to say musician.

I believe I'm not good enough to make it big on the great stage. I'm not sure I even tried though. I just throw my hands up in the air all the time, saying ay o, gotta let go.

Give me something from up high and I'll sink my teeth in it. That's what I do - I follow orders. I don't lead. Maybe I do lead. FUCK. I don't want to pigeon-hole myself.

I'm reminded of my original intention. Reading this back goes a lot quicker than typing it. There's a lot of extra space between the lines here. I ponder a lot. Do you think I'm cool? Haha!

This is absolutely horrible, I think you'll agree. Everything around me should suggest sunny weather. It comes though, occasionaly. It's still difficult to see the overarching perspective sometimes. Particularly when I'm down in the hole. Like now. AH - I hate this. I don't want to whine like a bitch anymore.

Perhaps I've dug a hole. Perhaps there is no hole. Can I get out of this without dramatizing my existence? Look at it coldly without emotion? Not directly it seems. Maybe I need to perform some tricks.

I can pretend to be a doctor.

D: "So, what exactly can I help you with?" PM: "Well, I've been having a lot of doubt, perhaps always, about what I should be spending my time on. I've- I've mostly been working around media, producing audio for games and films. Mostly student projects. Now I'm on the verge of signing a new contract. I think-" D: "Let me stop you right there. What do you want?" PM: "Divine purpose." D: "I'm not sure I can give you that." PM: "Well, just a course then - Somewhere I should go." D: "You know I genuinly cannot help you with that right? Where would you like to go?" PM: "I think I'd like to see the world. Perhaps I'm looking for excuses to ditch the good work in front of me. I think I'm too smart for this occupation. I want to do more work with my brain as opposed to my hands. I might have an idealized picture of white collar jobs, but I think I want that." D: "Well, alright - then we're done here right?" PM: "No, eh, maybe. I don't think so." D: ... PM: "Perhaps you're right. My instincts are to push back." D: "Well, you can visit me anytime; has this been insightful?" PM: "Not really, I want that epiphany feeling - I don't have that." D: "You truly are not as smart as you think you are. Sit down, be humble. Look around, say what you see." PM: "I see three guitars, a hifi set, a one person bed. Books. An old tape machine. Couch. Classical vinyl. My favorite braindead pants." D: "Yea, ok." PM: "I'm not sure I can define myself based on these older objects. I think I've changed. Perhaps not, perhaps I can fall in love again. But at what cost?"

Plant Man pauses and sighs. His minds drift towards how he really just wants to stay with his mother forever.

PM: "No. I need to do this."

"I need to somehow use what I've done. Ah fuck, do I?" D: "You don't need to. It is however a good starting point. Some interest kept you in this hemisphere, so it might be nice to use that at least as a jumping off point."

Back in reality; My client just called me out the blue. He quickly hung up though before I could reach it. Is he preparing for the meeting and did he just missclick my name? I should be prepping. Fuck I'm paranoid.

Ah, that's what "holding you down" means? I don't have anyone to like, relativate my thoughts or feelings. I need a hubby, something else than a mirror. Or this, this between us. You've not been very vocal - this sounds mostly like a monologue to me.

"Life is an homage to death These cousins never kissed, nor laid in the bed to rest I sketch breath with sharp and broken pencils The message is permanent, it's been etched into the mental"

That's jonwayne. I like his stuff. Used to listen to it a lot, maybe two years ago.

I'm tired - see, oh I talked with a friend yesterday about this. With conflict, you just make shit highly emotional, eventually running out of steam, and then just not looking at the problem. The curse of sissy men.

Anyway, I'll try again next time. Maybe in an hour.

P.M.

p.s. wait I'll link you that jonwayne song, in case you're interested: